“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”
― Mineko Iwasaki
Hi everyone,
First of all, I want to thank those of you who took time from your busy life to read my first blog. Thank you so much for going out of your way to inspire me with your wonderful comments, emails, texts and phone calls. The sad truth is I’m part of a sisterhood that shares heartbreak, betrayal, and disloyalty from the men who promised to love us unconditionally as the foundation our sisterhood is built. They broke their promises! They chose to betray us!
But we are strong! We can make it on our own, we must realize, none of the choices they made were are our fault! We are not the reason for their betrayal, we do however have to deal with the consequences of the choices they made that led us down a different path. It takes time to recover from the reality of what they chose to do but never forget; We were the loyal women in their lives that loved them, made a house a home and cared for them like they were our children. (More about that later on). We made sacrifices and did the things necessary for them to be successful in their craft. We built the foundation of our homes and made life easy for them.
I also feel it is extremely important to say I am not a trained or licensed psychologist and my blogs are in no way meant to take the place of professional help. If you’re experiencing dangerous or suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help immediately. Some of us cannot get through these difficult times without professional help. It is important to recognize getting help is a courageous act and in no way anything to be ashamed of. I feel very passionate about saying this as for many of us, silence and solitude becomes a friend but make no mistake: it is our worst enemy. I also know success is always the best revenge for anyone who betrays us! It takes time but YOU WILL BE MAKE IT THROUGH THIS AND BE STRONGER!
I’m new at this and going back in time is taking a lot more from me than I realized. I feel my story must be more of substance than popularity as I’ve heard from woman going through this heartache now trying to find a way to go on. I must choose my words wisely! As difficult as it is for me to go back in time and relive the nightmare, my desire is to let others know the ugly truth of what betrayal does to its victims and as difficult the journey was, I survived and I’m stronger than ever! You will be too! Allow yourself time to heal and process what has happened. You owe it to yourself! Take care of You!
I’m happy and complete again, stronger, more confident and thriving! A far cry from just a few short years ago when I hated waking up, unaware of what the day would bring. Learning more of his betrayal and what was stolen from me, wondering how I was going to provide for my daughter? Would I ever be happy again? Today (7 years later), life is wonderful! I do provide for my daughter and myself without any money from her dad other than the $300.00 a month the court orders him to pay in child support…Yes, you’re reading this correctly, he played nearly a decade in the NFL and his only obligation to our daughter is THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH! Thank GOD, I don’t have to rely on him for my daughter’s financial well being!
I now realize change is inevitable and going through hard times doesn’t define us, it’s how we deal with the difficult times that defines who we are and reminds us of what we are made of! Every day is an opportunity to grow and learn a new lesson.
I like to tell people my suitcase is lighter now days. I keep my baggage (My memories and emotions from those days) tucked in an imaginary suitcase under my bed, I open it from time to time and take out a piece of baggage (The pain of reliving a sad memory from the past.), I own it, feel the pain, and do my best to process and find closure so I can place less baggage in that suitcase each and every time. My baggage has become lighter with each passing day however, I do live with the knowledge that I’m skeptical of trusting a man completely. My hope one day that will change but, let’s face it, after all I’ve been through and knowing the reality of how much my love, devotion and sacrifice didn’t matter to him, who can blame me? I did come to terms with the fact he cared more about himself than his family. That was his choice and had nothing to do with me. It’s the ugly truth and will forever leave a scar. The scar is getting lighter though and I hope to barely see it one day!
Not so long ago, I woke up and realized I made it through the pain, sorrow, and heartbreak! I am finally on the other side of betrayal and feel my journey must be shared and not kept to myself! I must help those that have gone through or are going through the nightmare of betrayal and let you know; I’m proof of surviving and thriving after the heartbreak!!
There are many words to define and describe what he chose to do; I use the word Betrayal because even though I loved, sacrificed, trusted and believed in my ex husband, he chose deliberate disloyalty in return for my devotion! That to me defines betrayal.
Frankly, I don’t have a script to follow at this time so I’m going to wing it. I have decided to let my memory be my script and write about the events that impacted my life in such a way that it was changed forever.
Here we go;
“Mama, I’m thirsty.” My Baby and I were home alone watching TV upstairs in our media room when she said she was thirsty. Normally, I would open the fridge upstairs and grab her something to drink but that night, there was something inside me that said , “Go downstairs and get it.” Was there an unlocked window or door I should be aware of? I chose to listened to the little voice inside me and went downstairs. I checked the doors and windows to make sure they were locked, before going into the kitchen and getting her something to drink,
As I opened the fridge, I heard an audible voice say “Go into the dining room and look at the table.” I remember that voice and those words as if it happened yesterday and it still affects me today as for the life of me I don’t know where that voice came from.
I walked into our dining room and on the table were all of my husband’s things. His Bible, notebook and all of his study material. On any given day, that would be normal but that evening was different because he was supposed to be at his Men’s Bible Study group. He had been a part of a study that was helping troubled men find hope through their Christian Faith.
That night was the beginning of the darkest period of my life. My eyes were opened to the dark side of a man and the horrible truth that man was my husband and my daughters father. Looking back now, I should have known something was going on. What was wrong with me? How did this happen? The pain and anger still resonates in me today as I’m writing this and thinking back. I ask myself “ How could I be so oblivious?” How did I not know what was going on right under my own roof?
A few months before that awful night, I thought I was losing my mind because another piece of jewelry went missing. This time it was my gold Rolex and it was nowhere to be found. I began to think “someone stole it.” But who? Our housekeeper had been working for us almost five years. More importantly, we had a safe where we kept all of our jewelry, important paperwork and photos and as a habit I always put my jewelry back in the safe whenever I took anything off so misplacing my Rolex had me feeling like I was losing my mind. When I told my husband I couldn’t find another piece of jewelry, he suggested I go see a doctor because it seems I’m becoming more forgetful. Was I losing my memory, my mind?
There was an ache inside me, a strange unsettled feeling I couldn’t describe. Is someone stealing my jewelry or was my memory going away?
When I was going through fertility, I signed my life away as I was a Guinea pig for some crazy treatments. Perhaps my memory loss was due to all of the fertility experiments.
Around that time, my husband told me our Mercedes had a major malfunction and he had to leave it at the repair shop for awhile. I didn’t think anything of it until about a month later when he was still using our Range Rover to get around and I asked what was going on with the car. He said they had to rebuild the motor and in order to give us a deal they would order parts from China, it would take some time to get them in but we would save over 50 percent on the repairs doing it this way. He said he would rent a car while his car was being repaired so I could have my car and thought it was a good idea because I was my daughter’s classroom mom and having him drop us off and pick us up while he was “At work” was becoming a burden as I was needed for her class responsibilities.
Looking back, I was such a fool. He was up to no good right under my nose and as smart as I thought I was, I was oblivious.
Back to that eye opening, life changing night;
When I saw his Bible Study things were still at home, a nauseated feeling came over me. I knew something was wrong. My intuition had told me something had been going on but I was afraid it was because I was perhaps losing my mind.
That night I went into his office and began to search for answers. I never spent much time in his office before that eye opening and life changing night. Quite frankly, it was more of a sanctuary than an office as it housed all of his memorabilia from his college playing days and years of playing in the NFL. Footballs, awards, news clippings, photos, accolades etc. The only time I’d go in there was to grab office supplies when I was in a rush and needed scissor, tape, paper etc since my office was upstairs and he kept the those items in his office within an eyes view.
My Dad used to say “Be careful if you look for trouble because you will find it. Then you will have to decide what to do once you do find it!”
I found trouble alright. Do you know, I felt guilty going through his things? I still remember the feeling of invading his privacy going through his stuff and being nervous and scared with a cold feeling inside of me, as if I was doing something wrong. I kept thinking I was intruding in his personal space…In my own home! What the heck was wrong with me?
The horrible truth is the evidence wasn’t hidden. The drawers were unlocked and his cabinets organized. He had grown quite comfortable deceiving me. It seemed betraying his family was a normal practice at that point so I didn’t have to dig too deep to find trouble. That horrible night, I was introduced to a man I lived with nearly 20 years and married to 17 years who was a stranger to me and had a secret life. That man was able to keep secrets from me for years. Sadly, what I learned about him that night was terrible and just the tip of the iceberg of what was to come.
I am really sorry, I have to take a break as I need to gather my thoughts before continuing. It is painful remembering this. I’m sorry, but I promise to not leave you hanging, long. I must regroup!
exnflspouse 